Hey Nick-

I keep hearing to be non-judgemental and how to set the frames and everything, but doesn’t the whole concept of being non-judgemental go against qualification? To tell a girl you LOVE her taste in fashion, is to judge other styles that aren’t up to her standard.

So my question is, how can we expect to set non-judgemental frames while simultaneously qualifying her?

Thanks

-J

Hi J,

The trick to being non-judgmental is that you are confirming that the girl has made the right decisions with what she’s done, or that if she does make a risky decision (i.e. if she decides to sleep with you) she won’t be disqualified for it.

So if you tell a girl you LOVE her taste in fashion, you are confirming that she has made the good decision in her style. You give her good emotions. Where you will make her self-concious is if you see another girl, one of any fasion style, and say, “Look at that girl’s dress. It’s way too short/She looks like she should be in the circus.” That will trigger to your girl that you adjudicate people’s value based on their decisions. She can be led to wonder what you think of her dress if you judge the dress of others, or worse, what you’d think of sex on the first date, will you say something embarrassing in front of her friends, etc.

When you say something judgmental you are discriminating against somebody. When you say something positive, you are not overtly discriminating. Ya, you value heels over hippie sandals, but complimenting one doesn’t discriminate the other. If you unknowingly diss her hippie sandals on the day she wore her heels, you’re judging.

All this said, there will be times when you do judge people indirectly. That’s having standards and that’s what qualification shows–you’re a screener. I’m not going to date a hippie girl because it doesn’t align with my values, but I’m not going to go around bashing hippies in front of a girl I’m with. I may tell my girl, “I really like your style. Elegance is a real turn-on for me,” but in no way will she interpret that as “Nick doesn’t like hippie girls. He’s judgmental.” I’ll just not say anything about the hippie girl. Quiet effectiveness.

Don’t worry about it so much with everyday stuff, but do pay attention to your judgments when setting sexual frames. If you don’t judge a girl when setting/qualifying her on sexual frames, you’ll decrease LMR and be liable to make the walk to the bedroom shorter.

The main takeaway from setting non-judgmental frames should be not setting a negative judgmental frame. If you positively judge a girl, you are essentially, qualifying her, and that is a good thing for her.